GUILT
Prayer For
Police Persons
PRAYER AND REFLECTIONS
for police persons
INVOCATION FOR SAFETY
Calling in a wise embracing power
May you feel the warmth of loving
hands
Owlish protection in wild dreams
Protective rings ‘round dark
scenes
Sweetness to you
Compassion, compassion too
Hearty rose, sky love blue
Hallowed armor, holy waves
Even ‘yond earthly graves
No coward soul is mine,
No trembler in the world’s
storm-troubled sphere:
I see Heaven’s glories shine,
And faith shines equal,
arming me from fear.
--Emily Bronte
PSALM 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he
leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes
my soul. He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest
valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with
me; your rod and your staff, they comfort
me. You prepare a table before me in the
presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup
overflows. Surely your goodness and love
will follow me all the days of my life, and I
will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever. For thine is the kingdom, and the
power, and the glory, for ever and ever.
Amen.
LORD’S PRAYER
Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name. Thy
kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth as it is
in heaven. Give us this day our
daily bread, and forgive us our
trespasses, as we forgive those
who trespass against us, and lead
us not into temptation, but
deliver us from evil.
Guilt, Remorse and Grief
When we are on duty and in the
middle of a dangerous encounter, our
main partner or someone else we work
with regularly could be killed through
gunshot wounds, a knifing, beating, a
vehicle hit and more.
If this happens to someone we have
developed some sort of relationship
with, someone we have gotten to know
better or perhaps even have become
close to, it can make us feel guilty for
being alive when they are not, or for
not doing enough before or during the
encounter.
Taking Grief Down that Rocky Trail
Sometimes the feelings of sadness can hit real levels of grief as a sort of
ache that goes beyond sadness. Sometimes we cannot stop crying. Other
times, tears keep coming up here and there. In other cases, it can be like a
crying that goes on inside one’s self without the visible signs of tears.
Sometimes it’s just a grim reality that has set in, one that feels the words
are sugary or no longer needed.
The grim reality feeling can be a kind of bitterness or impatience with
words. The idea is right there at a point of succinct knowingness inside;
feelings and ideas have become like a microchip of information. You’ve
been through deaths or hard times to the point the first horror and grief has been flattened down into anger or
self-survival.
Don’t tell me how I am supposed to feel, man: been there and done that. I want to just get through, deal with it,
move on.
What might help is to go inward with prayer and meditation to find the depths of your own soul first, as best as
you can. But sometimes it’s just a matter of going off somewhere and getting quiet, maybe looking out over a
scenic vista in the middle of nowhere. Find the inner turmoil, horror, sadness and pain. Allow yourself to feel
what you feel, whatever it is. In addition, if you cannot seem to feel anything at all, even if it is a sense of
numbness or apathy, allow this. Don’t force anything. Sometimes that hollow nothingness is a call of its own.
See if you can remember the times there seemed to be something more that peaked its head through, a higher
power, God, a universal mind, a feeling of interconnectivity that transcends normal physical experiences. If that
is your space, fine, if not - don’t force it.
After you make that real connection with yourself, then reach out
and try to make that connection to the soul or deepest part of the
person or persons who have departed through the violence you
were witness to. Try to talk to them in your heart and spirit as best
you can, to express what you feel. Try to make that final goodbye in
a way that is honoring to both of you.
Send them your best wishes, if you are up to that, but otherwise
remain true to yourself and say and be what you really feel in this
matter. Then try to let it go while retaining the most significant
parts of the memory of it all.
You can retain what was best in your connection with this person.
In addition, it is wise to learn from our experiences to add to our knowledge, experience and wisdom. We can
learn from even the most tragic encounters and can apply this knowledge to future endeavors to help ourselves
and others. If we allow, nothing is truly wasted or gone forever.
Odors, Sounds, Reverberations
It’s sometimes not just what you see. It’s things that come in through your other senses, too. They can be bad odors, like
smelly breath, body odor, urine, feces, vomit, rotting food or decaying human flesh. It can be the smell of moldy clothes
or blood. It can be the smell of burning bodies, or the thick smoke of a house in its last embers.
The sounds can be bullets or the curses of a suspect. It can be the sound of children
crying or fellow officers moaning after being downed by bullets. It can be the sounds
of screams of several people being shot at one time, or fire-sizzling vehicles.
Reverberations are something felt in one’s bones, an aftermath that keeps
reoccurring almost as if it is still in the room. It’s like the memory of vibrations, but
something more. It can be the impact of a blast, shot, slice or fire. It’s also the flash
that seemed to hit the back of your eyeball, leaving you temporarily blinded. It can
be something that shook the ground or building.
It’s when you wake up from a bad dream feeling the explosion or shot after it is long
over. It can be the sense of buildings crashing after a burn, or the blasted parts
bursting from a burning truck. It’s the feeling of the bridge falling apart and sinking.
It can be like an earthquake shake or the sense of the explosion with a lot of light,
burning and splashing, the sense everything in its wake is blown across the terrain
into a million tiny pieces, human forms no longer recognizable as such. Bullet
impacts can be about the immediacy of it, no time to prepare; in your dream you try
to shake yourself into quicker action when it’s already over. You are still processing
the movements and feelings of things. There is the horror of dealing with technology
that is faster and bigger than you are.
The Sense It Could Come in a Flash or Behind Your Back in Public
Getting gas, going to the store. Walking back and forth across the grocery parking lot to one’s car, someone ringing the
door at the house, another could be sneaking in the back door or window. These are the fears and worries that nag or
hang around in the back of one’s mind.
On the job, a flash of an object, it could be anything. Trained to self-protect as a reaction, the officer flashes back. Later to
find in certain circles, self-defense is suspect, a crime if the other guy’s not actually flashing a weapon at that precarious
seeming moment.
Sometimes phony gimmicks cover up the actual nature of the objects when someone is protecting the cartel members.
Anything from cell phones to combs, if the other party flashes it and is wounded or killed when an officer shoots out of
perceived or actual self-defense, what then? In the hands of connected people, who stands for the cop trying to protect
him/herself? Sometimes people in the Force are the cartels, and the stories wind up just as flawed in some other way.
Who is to protect the innocent in the Force
When will truth be a matter of course?
Brotherhood of Man
The universality of sincerity can
make all strangers brothers and
sisters.
When we find and operate from
the core of who we really are, we
are the same.
Despite differences, something
is deeply resonant in all of us if
we allow it.
Anger
Can be a feeling
That flies in
Snappish, it stokes a
quagmire
Hurry, bring the water
of a streamy caper, its
downward stroke to
uncertain end
Burbles and rapples,
brook’s stony chimes
A mint and woodsy chill
spicing wet bank’s edge
Here a mist that hangs, there
a flappy vapor
Mountain waters dampen
first signs of ire
sprinkle droplets,
holy water to fretted brow
But drench with dousing hose
to full blown wrath,
now a blastic fire
fueled by one’s own breath
Icy wet, spraying sweep
Fire be gone, fire be gone.
IN THE END
To restore the peace
we sometimes roam….
to the valley
to the mount’s or sea
to hills or streams
But in the end we must come home
to our truest self
to storm-tossed dreams
to endless quests for…
something more
You can fool part
of the people some
of the time,
you can fool some
of the people all
of the time,
but you cannot
fool all the people
all of the time
Courage doesn’t always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quite
voice at the end of the day saying,
“I will try again tomorrow.”